Mary Sue Rulez in Middleearth
by Ginger and Gallifreyan
Summary: Parody: Once again, two girls who claim to be totally normal, though they detest the word, have fallen into Middle-earth, and are ready and willing to cause waves of destruction everywhere they go.
1. Chapter 1: The Fellowship, Interrupted

**Sorry, sorry, I know, I know, I'm dicking around.**

**Actually, I'm not sorry. There is an alarming lack of parodies in this particular archive, and even less Sue parodies.**

**So please enjoy and learn how not to write LOTR Fanfiction.**

**(For more fun, please read The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth by misscam.)**

**Also I will litter this with various references because THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO IN PARODIES OKAY. So get your multiple fandom hats on and LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.**

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a-SURPRISE!-teenage girl. She was really cool. And when I say cool, I don't mean cool. I mean _really fucking cool_. She didn't like make-up, except for lots and lots of eyeliner, because only cool girls wear just lots and lots of eyeliner (She also wore it because it made her look like a kawaii tanuki, like Gaara. More on that later). Uncool girls (aka CHEERLEADERS ND PREPZ, CUZ DEY R SUCH HORES, AMIRITE?), also called normal/boring girls (also called 'everyone except for me'. Yes, they go by many names, all supposedly insulting. Deal, bitch), wore lip gloss, eye shadow, and appropriate amounts of eyeliner.

UNACEPPTABLE.

However, we will focus solely on this amazing, witty, independent, cool, mysterious, trendy, beautiful, youthful, immortal, talented, ~ToTaLlY rAnDoM~, selfless, DOESN'T NEED A MAN, giving, humble, wonderful, and surprisingly gothic (but really goffik) human being who may or may not be the chosen one (whatever that is. It was in Harry Potter, don't ask lol), or turn into an elf or turn out to be an amazing fighter who is most humbly skilled with the bow, sword, axe, sonic screwdriver, cannon (not canon, unfortunately), gun, or any weapon conceivable to any race in any universe. Probably all of the above. The author's too stupid to put thought into her stupid story.

ANYWAY.

We will focus only on this girl for the rest of the story, because none of the other characters matter, unless it's of two male characters having improbable, hawt buttsecks (teehee, buttsecks! I'm so cute and funny). In that case, go for it!

You may be wondering who this mysterious girl who undoubtedly has youthful beauty and beautiful youth is. (Though you probably already know it's the author's self-insert, and this story is just a vent for all her bullshit and a way to control it and ultimately escape it. It's deep, I know, deep.)

But you'll only ever get her stupid name, because she has no personality.

What's that? You want to know her name? (Sorry, it's a bit hard to hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.)

Her name is… (drum roll, please)

RUMYR OBSIDIAN ROSE TYLER EMILY BRONTE BLACKLILY. (And yeah, I can make her name as weird as fuck if I want to. I mean, have you seen some of these celebrities? And their kids?) Rumyr Obsidian Rose Tyler Emily Bronte Blacklily is M-I-N-E, DON'T STEAL, YOU JEALOUS BITCHES.

She has long, flowing, choppily cut ebony hair with highlights in every color of the rainbow and her bangs swept over one glittering ocular organ, pale, luminescent skin, and angelite-phosphosiderite orbs (none of that 'eyes like limpid tears' shit here). Lots of people tell her she looks like Cobie Smulders, but she can never see any resemblance, she's so modest. She also loves Hot Topic and vampires, who are second in hotness only to elves. Both, though, are super kawaii.

Now that you know all there is to know about her, LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON FUCKIN' ROAD.

~=^.^=~=^.^=~=^.^= (kitteh faces lolz)

Rumyr Obsidian Rose Tyler Emily Bronte Blacklily was _furious_. A cheerleader had _dared _to fire an insult at her. She stomped her black knee-high converse (AN: r'nt dey lyk sooo kool Omg I luv dem) on the sidewalk as she recounted that terrible point in time.

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FLASHBACK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~LOLZ I'M CREATIVE~~~~~~~_

"_Excuse me? What did you just call me?" The ugly blonde cheerleader cried indignantly._

"_You heard me, bitch," spat our raven-haired heroine. _

"_But I haven't done anything to you! I was just walking by!" Exclaimed the hideous, made-up prep._

"_I called you _and _your mom ugly whores because you weren't provoking me so I could have something interesting to put in my fanfiction so I get pity and support from strangers!"_

_The fugly girl made an 'are-you-fucking-crazy-dude' face._

"_You're crazy!" She yelled, and promptly ran for her life (which is a rather smart thing to do when confronted with psycho fangirls)._

"_Yeah! You better run, bitch!" Our insulted, injured beauty cried with vengeance._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~END FLASHBACK, EH~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

* * *

And meanwhile, in our universe…

"Do you think it _wise_, writing something like this? I mean, think of the damage and lawsuits to follow-"

"Nah. This is _fanfiction_. They're a pretty tough bunch."

The first speaker gulped. "Good luck with that. Anyway, I'll go prepare your will and funeral arrangements."

"Aw, you're a great friend, you know that? Helping me plan for the distant future."

"You're really something."

The second speaker nodded seriously. "I know."

* * *

Rumyr slammed open her front door, stomped up the stairs to her room, flopped onto her bed, and cried.

"My life sucks, even though I have friends, loving parents who will give me almost anything I want, and I live in a nice house and neighborhood and go to a nice school! Ugh! I wish I could trade places with a starving orphan, because everyone knows they're the saddest people on the planet! Then I could totally relate to Saint Jimmy!"

She moped prettily, her delicate fingers picking at the loose threads in her Nightmare Before Christmas pillow (actually, it was a High School Musical one with Zefron on it, but like she'd ever admit _that_). Her pretty mouth was twisted into an adorable pout.

"If only I could be in another world, where I would be treated like a princess!" She sighed dramatically, and rolled onto her back (her bed, for record, was also HSM-themed. There was also a signed poster above her bed of Zac and Vanessa).

Because she knew that wasn't ever going to happen, and she couldn't bear to actually read a book (ew, reading is for nerds. Unless it's porn), she decided on the next best thing: watching Lord of the Rings.

So she put the DVD into the player (which was right next to her 42-inch flatscreen, btw), and hit play. She ran downstairs and brought back up a bag of chips.

"I AM GOING TO TAKE POTATO CHIP, AND EAT IT. OM NOM NOM NOM." She giggled like a nut at what she thought to be her off-the-charts kawaii-ness.

She was about halfway through it when OMG SOMETHING WAS HAPPENING TO THE TV. The screen grew brighter and brighter, until…

* * *

When she came to, she couldn't believe her eyes.

SHE WAS AT ELROND'S HOUSE WHILE THEY'RE FORMING THE FELLOWSHIP OMGOMGOMGOMG

She spazzed, and hit a rather unfortunate elf and an unfortunate hobbit in the face. Sam quickly ran over and pulled Frodo away from the dangerous freak (because that's what she looked like to them. #REALITYCHECK). Everyone ignored Legolas, because he wasn't delicate and fragile and carrying EVIL JWELERY. Except for Gimli, who just laughed.

"MISTER FRODO, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? DID THAT FREAK HURT YOUR WIDDLE FACE?" Sam shouted.

"DON'T SHOUT IN MY FACE, SAM, AND DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE I'M A BABY," Frodo shouted back.

"No need to shout, Mister Frodo," Sam said, seeming very surprised that Frodo could shout, in his forever-a-weakling state.

"And don't call her a freak, Sam. I think she's… supermegafoxyawesomehot," stated Frodo, a dreamy look in his wide, sodalite orbs.

"You're right, Mister Frodo, she is supermegafoxyawesomehot!" Exclaimed Sam.

And thus, Mary Sue interrupted the flow and ebb of a world she knew almost nothing of.

* * *

"Are you insane?"

"Yes. Haha, just kidding. Nope. Well… maybe. But I'm not a killer. Then again…"

"This is ridiculous. I can't stay here anymore. I'm going home," The first speaker said.

"But what about that one time, when… _First! Don't go out that door!_" Screech the second speaker.

Woah… woah," said First. Beyond the door was… _space_. As in outer space, as in the final frontier.

"_Close the goddamn door!_"

"What the hell? How'd you get this room into space?"

"Because I wanted it to be in space. It's actually rather practical, when you think about it."

"There's nothing practical in it, Keagan, just Star Trek and Doctor Who." First glared and crossed his arms.

"Hush, you. Now shut and put this in the DVD player. I've waited forever for this." She shoved the second season of _Sherlock _into First's hands. He groaned and rolled his eyes, but did as he was told.

"Always the crazy ones," he mumbled.


	2. Chapter 2: The Canon, Corrupted

**Right, then. I have no idea what's going on here. I just pretended to be a Suethor and kept writing.**

**If there's anything that this fic teaches you, it should be that no, we do not add one or two more members to the Fellowship, nor do we let fangirls just magically fall into any world they want. Now, ONWARD!**

* * *

Now that the Fellowship is done asdfghjkl-ing, let's shift our focus back to Rumyr, WHERE IT BELONGS. While those hapless fictional characters were falling prey to her Aura of Smooth (that's what it's called, silly), she was marveling at and spazzing over her surroundings.

Once she was able to form thoughts in her brain (it's sort of surprising she has one), she was ready to test her voice.

She looked over at Legolas and screamed, "GERMANIAAAAAAA!"

The Poor Elf Who Cannot Catch A Break From Psycho Fangirls was glomped. Hard.

Gimli was now ROFL'ing, and about to bust a rib (yes, I can use chatspeak. This is a parody, you herp-derp). But no one cares about Gimli (he's ugly and has a beard. Ew), so let's REFOCUS ON RUMYR. GAWD, DO YOU GUYS HAVE ADD OR SOMETHING?

And by refocus on Rumyr, I mean let's listen to Leggy-kins ramble on about how beautiful she is and how he wants to marry her on the spot, but he has to wait because that would be creepy and not a good story at all. The author knows how much you guys love fifty chapters of pointless bullshit.

**LEGGY-CHAN'S KAWAII POINT OF VIEW**

Legolas was not enjoying this. No, not by a long shot. Not that he doesn't enjoy female attention. He does. Just not from creepy ones.

And this one was a real gem in the collector's collection of creepy gems.

She wore an obscenely short dress, covered in lace that was a most disgusting shade of dark purple, and more strange accessories. Her hair was really… _bizarre_.

And… her _eyes_. Oh, her eyes! He had never seen such vivid color, nor had he ever seen gems as piercing as hers! Those orbs would put rubies to shame! Her ivory skin glowed, such as the moon would, if the jealous maiden ever could as this Elf lass did! Her ears came to a graceful point, and were studded with glittering gems, though they could not compete with her ocular organs.

And could he have ever directed insult towards the maiden's silken locks? Her tresses were that of obsidian and a raven, but darker and luxurious than any creature or stone. They were full of rainbows after a hurricane!

"Oh, lovely girl whose name is shrouded in mystery, _get the fuck off of me_."

* * *

"Wait, what?"

"What? You didn't really think I'd let Legolas fall under her spell? Or the converse, and let him be totally immune? No, extremes aren't always funny. I like gray areas."

"Just… just go back to typing, okay? I don't think I can deal with any more of your verbal weirdness."

* * *

Rumyr let go of him and giggled. It was high-pitched and, to Legolas and Elrond, at least, was very annoying. To the others, it was wind-chimes on the porch of a lovely, ivy-and-flower-covered cottage in the English countryside, swaying in a gentle summer breeze.

Forget that everyone in Middle-earth has no idea where or what England is. Just forget it, okay?

"Oh, Leggy-chan, we're totally, like, soul mates!" She giggled again. One of Rumyr's fav activities was cursing people out. She really dug that in a guy. Sexah!

She huggled him closer and squashed her double Ds against his chest. Just as Legolas's face was turning blue from the squeezing, she let go of him, and plopped onto the ground real cute like and flicked her raven-and-rainbow hair over one slim, white shoulder. She began curling and uncurling a luxurious lock around her index finger. She fluttered her eyelids over her emerald orbs.

"Soul mates? But… we've only just met, and I don't even know your name," Legolas said, confused-like. "Nor do I really want to." Rumyr ignored that last part.

"Oh, my! Oh, silly, dear old me," she gasped, suddenly turning into a swooning Southern belle (which was really weird, considering that she was a self-proclaimed rebel who was just average). "I can't believe that I forgot to tell you all my perfectly gorgeous name! Watashi wa Rumyr Obsidian Rose Tyler Emily Bronte Blacklily desu! Konnichiwa, minna-san!" Forgive her Japanese, she's only a n00b.

"Rumyr-san, you are so very cultured and knowledgeable!" Proclaimed Pippin.

Fuck canon, I'll write what I wanna fucking write (#REBELLIOUS).

"Yes, dear Rumyr-san, tell us all about yourself!" Exclaimed Merry.

Rumyr lowered her orpiment eyes. "I… I don't know if I can," Her inky blue spinel orbs filled with precious salty drops from a distant ocean full of pearls and colorful fish and mermaids who sing and magic and happiness and sea unicorns. Sea unicorns are about as fucking good as it can get. Judge me and I'll shove one of Legolas's arrows so high up your ass it will come out your mouth. Kawaii.

One pearly drop rolled down her cheek as she opened her hematite eyes. "I… I can't tell you all of my past… I still, even now… some scars are just too fresh, some wounds might reopen anew… some is so terrible it would make an army veteran quake and be plagued by nightmares." The author is forgetting which of her Sues she's currently writing. Sorry, she's confusing it with her Harry Potter OC, Ivvah Gynnyfyre Kolor Lilith Scholastica Potter, who is Harry's twin. Those Dursleys are real bastards. But she's a Sue for another story. SO LET'S GET THE FUCK BACK TO RUMYR, OKAY?

More pearls began to fall from her vanadinite gems and clattered to the floor. "Lots of people hate me because I'm unique and quirky and not like other girls. They make fun of me and shun me because I love Hot Topic and Green Day and My Chemical Romance and I'M JUST SO MARGINAL," she wailed. (Keep in mind that none of this is true. She has really pushed away everyone in her life.) "I get shoved into lockers and they steal my scientific calculator and get my head shoved into the toilet- oh, wait, I do that to nerds. Whoops. LOL," she said, and laughed gently like the unique and SPESHUL snowflake that she is.

"Lol, indeed, Miss Rumyr," said a new voice. It was deep and gentle and sexy and orgasmic. Rumyr whipped her head around in the direction of the speaker. It was…

ARAGORN!

OH

MY

GOTH

ASDFGHJKL

"OH MY GOTH!" Screamed Rumyr. "Aragorn!" She glomped him, too. He, however, was totally under her spell. As he gently untangled her from him, one could almost feel Arwen's rage. It was terrifying, to say the least. "Um, do I feel the anger of a slutty prep? 'Cause that would really piss me the fuck off," Rumyr said. She stood up and put her hands on her hips and otherwise posed real sexily. "OMG. If there's seriously a prep here, I'm going to scream and, like, rip her head off." On cue, Arwen climbed out of a plot hole (curiously, it was the same nauseating mix of black and purple as the lace on Rumyr's dress).

"Arwen! You're not supposed be here!" Elrond protested. Arwen ignored him. I mean, who gives a fuck about canon when there's some freak out there trying to steal your man? Uh-uh. Ain't no bitch gettin' her dirty fingers all over Arwen's man.

She grabbed Rumyr by her satin jet tresses.

"Ow! Ow! Like, what the fuck do you think you're doing? Do you know how long it takes to straighten all of this?"

"Hands. Off," Arwen hissed in her ear.

"Um, I think I'll touch whoever I want," Rumyr said. Arwen said nothing, but threw her into Legolas's waiting arms (he then dropped her, disgusted with himself), and went back into the plot hole. Rumyr began to cry pearls again. "See? Everyone is so mean to me," she whined. "Like, why should I, of all people, expect consequences for my actions?!"

"You are right as always, Rumyr-san!" Merry said. "You are too special and rebellious for society! Don't let them get you down, you free spirit, you!"

"Oh, Merry! You have always been such a good friend!" Rumyr cried, more pearls falling down her porcelain-smooth face. She flung her arms around him and held him tight to her massive chest. He nearly fainted, being so close to her intoxicating form. She ignored that, too. She only cares about Legolas, her TWU WUV. Nothing matters in this except for Rumyr and Legolas's steamy, sexy, angst-ridden romance. But there was something else nawing at the back of her head (probably the reader).

CUE quote/unquote 'PLOT TWIST':

(DUH DUH DUH DUUUUUUUUN)

Rumyr realised, with painful tug of the heart, she's found some feelings for that hunky Jesus-look-alike!

And while she was realizing this terrible realisation, the Canon was suffering another terrible blow. That's right, _another_ fangirl was coming in!


End file.
